I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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