She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize