first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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