Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Come on in and take your pants off
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