So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
