Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
