Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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