he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
