From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
