Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize