I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
