I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
