From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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