I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Help. Why am I so naked?
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