We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
