My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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