My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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