so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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