if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
