Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
