I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
