I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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