Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
