someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
