A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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