U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This toilet bowl is my home.
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