i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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