i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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