I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
