Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
