I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
