i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
