his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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