Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We just shotgunned beers for America
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
