I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
