I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
