Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
