i just sent this text using only my big toe
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
