If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
