i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
