my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
