Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
as a side note pls kill me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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