Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize