girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
