the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
