wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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