This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
