This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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