You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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