We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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