Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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