there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm bleeding and have questions
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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