you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize