thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
