two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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