went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
