My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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