just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
