this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
